oh how gentle His love is...

So... I think a post like this has been wayyyyyy over due. It's about that time I dedicate this one to my Heavenly Father and share a subtle little thing that happened today that blessed me in a big way. 

If you haven't figured out already, I am a Christian woman. If you had not figured it out by my actions or words, it's okay :) I probably wouldn't think I was a Christian either. But Lord knows I try my best on a daily basis to be an extension of Him and His love. On most days I succeed BUT I think that on even most mostest (I know, not a word) of days I fail, because let's face it, I am human and I suck and my attitude is whack. Either way my love for Him is one that can't be shaken and I am still a rough work in progress. 

On other posts, I will gladly share of all He has done for me. 

But here's a little something that happened today :) if you follow me on Instagram, you already know the story, part of it at least... To some, perhaps this may seem silly but to me, quite meaningful. 

A little back story of why this meant so much to me:
I have been battling with something within my marriage for quite sometime now, which I won't express at the moment until we or I get the victory and He gets the glory! But yes, I've been going through and naturally I tend to feel like God has abandoned me, which is clearly NOT true because His word says so, that He will never leave me (us, you) nor forsake me (us, you). But either way, I still ended up feeling abandoned by Him in this battle. I started to feel like He really wasn't listening to my pleas, my cries and my frustrations along with what I could muster up as prayers. 

But He's a good God. A good Father and a good listener even when we feel like our prayers, petitions and our desires are going up into the abyss of space. Believe me when I tell you that He will find a way, a special way to let you know, to remind you that yes He is with you and by your side and listening to your every cry and that He is concerned about your every care. All you need to do is open your eyes, ears and your heart for when He speaks and reveals Himself. 

In regards to my battle, not only has he made it a point to pair me up with a sister in Christ, who shall remain nameless at the moment, to help me through and to lift me up and encourage me through but then He does a little extra to catch my attention. 

I can't make these things up about how awesome and caring God is! 

Almost every day, while walking home from my day out with the kids, I pass by a specific house that has these flowers:

and every time I pass by, I touch and look at them cause they're so darn pretty (and mostly because I am a little too crazy about flowers) and of course I once wanted to pluck them lol but didn't because it's on someones property. 

BUT! Today I passed by the same house around 7:30pm while taking the kids for a walk (lol as if my children were dogs, I know, that sounds terrible) and I stopped to take a picture (left) and I noticed the owner of the house (for the first time ever in my almost 7 years living in my neighborhood) watering his plants and he kindly asked me with an Indian accent: "Do you want a couple?" and I smiled so hard and clearly said YES! and I went on to tell him how pretty they are. 

He went on to warn me that the flowers/stems had thorns... and what he does next really blessed my heart. He made it his business to come out of his house with a scissor because clearly the flowers have thorns, and aint nobody got time to be getting pricked by thorns (but i did). SO, there he is walking with the scissor (in that moment, I can't even lie when I tell you all that I walked away slowly because I was with the kids and I thought "oh shoot this guy is now gonna stab us all with a scissor all because of some flowers" LOL) but anyway, so he plucked them, 3 stems, and he even went on to put them in a plastic bag he brought out for me which was so darn sweet! And I thanked him so much and smiled like a psycho! 

Aaaaaand that's my story behind these flowers that now sit pretty on my window sill which is clearly dirty lol but please just ignore that and don't judge :)  

Sooooo. I say all this to say that God loves me and He really does love you and He cares even about the smallest desires of our hearts! And just when we feel or think or are stubbornly convinced He's not there on His throne listening, He truly is. 

I pray that you take heart and open your eyes, ears and hearts to His subtle voice and be aware of how truly loving and caring He is. 

Nothing is too big for God. He responds to us in ways that we understand. He communicates in ways we will comprehend. 

He knows I LOVE flowers, so although it may seem silly to say He communicates in "flower", yes He does. It blessed my heart to know He would use a simple flower and that man to let me know He's on His throne listening to me, my cries, my petitions and my prayers. 

As always, He is right on time. As always, I am left smiling because of how gentle He loves me. And I simply know with all my heart that He is in control, of everything. 

I love You Lord! 

the life of a stay-at-home mom...

dedicated to all the stay-at-home moms - you are enough, you have value and what you do within your home matters...

my life as a stay-at-home mom: 
not always in this order :) but here goes...wake up (thank You Jesus), tend to my children's needs, prepare breakfast for them, wash dishes, wait i forgot to make my breakfast, wash dishes again, have Hannah take her morning nap, make sure i am listening to my boys when they speak, walk by my room and notice i have not done my bed and think "i will get to it", 95% of the time i simply don't get to it...oh look it's lunch time, prepare lunch for them, take them to the park or let them play in front of the house, text my husband good morning or good afternoon, squeeze in some time to shower (i love those moments when i simply can't remember if i showered) oh wait, i didn't have lunch, no wonder i am dizzy and it's almost 6pm, but wait, i need to organize the kitchen real quick and the living room before my husband gets home from work. text my mom, respond to my mom, respond to my friends, prepare dinner for all of us, oh look, i am actually sitting down now, but wait, let me use the bathroom *hears knock on the door*, bathroom break over... (i know i am not the only mom that uses the bathroom as an excuse to hide from everyone in the home for a few minutes)... breastfeed Hannah, put Hannah in bed, kiss boys good night, make sure i hug them tight, FUDGE, we forgot to pray! tend to my husbands needs...*wipes sweat off forehead* sheesh! sometimes my life feels like this, like a run on sentence lol! do it all over again tomorrow! very rarely do i get moments like this where it's almost 2am in the morning and i am up typing and listening to music. 

why, oh why am i not sleeping at this time... i don't need sleep, i am robot! at least i think that is what my daughter thinks - i am convinced she has a sensor or radar or SOMETHING that tells her, "oooohh look, mommy is about to take a nap and or go to sleep, let me wake up NOW"! lol i have lost count of the times i have BEGGED the Lord to put her back to sleep so that i can take a nap or get some sleep period. but i am awake at this time simply because it's the only time i get to MYSELF :) to be alone, to catch up on a movie, catch up with God, mindlessly scroll through my social media feeds... ah, the good ol' after hours! time to think, laugh, pray and cry about my very long day...

confessions and thoughts of a stay-at-home mom: 

i can admit that sometimes i get stuck in a rut and a wonder of "is this it?" "is this all i was created for? is this all i am worth?" as if what i do is not significant or valuable enough, as if the fact that i am not out there making some money takes away from my value. someone needs to name this the "stay-at-home-mom syndrome" or something to that effect. i even often wonder "was this my only purpose? to be a mom and a wife? am i done here on earth?" 

it's easy as a stay at home mom to fall into this kind of thinking, at least for me it has been easy. it's funny, there aren't enough hours in a day for me to get things done around the house but there seems to always be plenty of time for me to over think and allow my own thinking to put me down.

a little about my journey as a mom: 

i don't know what teens dream of these days, or what ambitions they have but for me, my goal in my early teens was to be married with kids before or by the age of 30. that was my goal! having a family was my goal.

Sammy:

i remember being in my very early 20's - 21 to be exact. i was in college, working and just had a newborn, Sammy, my oldest (November 2003). i remember having to go back to work when my baby was only 2 months. by the grace of God he was always taken care of by family which i have always been thankful for. but the pain i felt in my heart in having to leave him behind while i was working and in college still stings me today. the hours and days i lost with my first baby, i knew i could never regain. even in writing this now my eyes get watery cause i have always felt terrible for leaving him while being so little. but hey, i had a job waiting for me and college. 

Daniel:

i was working at a different company when i had my second child, Daniel, (May 2008), when he arrived, forget it... i started to feel a pull, a tug, a yank at my heart at my very being and core to stay home with him. in my heart, no money in the world could ever compare to the time i could be spending with the children i carried within me for more than 9 months. by that time i had finished college in 2006. i remember praying to God after i had him and talking to my sons dad and expressing my desires of wanting to be home. that weekend at church i remember someone, who just so happens to now be my best friend - Belinda, she had given a testimony about being a stay-at-home mom and how God had been providing for her and her family. you can already imagine that i took that testimony as a confirmation from God that yes, i could stay home. so between me and my boys dad, we decided i would just not return to work and that is what happened. i stayed home with my little guy. 

bits and pieces of my life as a single stay-at-home mom:

in September of 2009, during the process of me getting separated from their dad, i had gotten a job. moved in alone with my boys and soon after in February 2010 got laid off. which i could tell you was an answered prayer. being a single mom at the time and working in the city during the brutal winter was not fun and not easy. to say that i cried every single day on the bus ride home, is NOT even an exaggeration. 

i remember having to rush out of work at 5pm to take the train uptown to get Sammy from school at 6pm, to then get on the bus to get Daniel from Belinda's house (my best friend back then also took care of my Daniel), to then get back on the bus to go home. we would get home to then do homework, dinner, shower and bed to then do it all over again the next day. so you can now imagine why me being laid off was a blessing and an answered prayer. i begged God to take me out and He did just that. to this day, Sammy and i call that winter the season of hell. 

in me getting laid off i was able to collect unemployment by the grace of God for two full years and be home with my boys. a single mom and a stay-at-home mom! during this time, i met my husband and we had started dating in 2011. in 2012, it was time for me to get back to work, because yes, unemployment funds had run out.

Married life, Hannah and being a stay-at-home mom:

now, fast forwarding to August 2013 where i got married to Cesar, the one man who has been able to deal with all i am, fast forwarding again to January 2014 - we found out we were pregnant with our first baby together, our daughter Hannah, that God had promised years ago. i was long done with college, but of course i had a job, which had been such a blessing because it was a job i had prayed for. SO, from January 15, that i tested positive for baby number 3! from that moment up until i gave birth to Hannah i had this burning desire in my heart all over again to be home with her when she was born. my desire and passion towards wanting to be a stay-at-home mom has been in me from the moment i became a mom. by the grace of God, and the understanding of my husband, i am a stay-at-home mom now to my three precious children. 

i am going on 33 years old in October and i look back at my journey and my life as a mom, or my life and i can't think of anything i've loved more in my life than being a mom. through the dirty dishes, dirty laundry, food on the floor, messy rooms, restless and sleepless nights - there's still no amount of money on this earth that could ever compare to the time I spend with my kids.

dear world and society - do not mistake us stay-at-home moms for lazy! we work just as hard as any other woman out there making money. I did it for years and my mom has done it for years. i am simply blessed that God has blessed me with the opportunity to be home with my children. 

my purpose, my calling...

here's a little encouragement to you stay-at-home mommas: 

i had a good friend and sister in Christ, Johanna, send me this twice on different occasions.

Excerpt from a book called Sun Stand Still by one of my favorite authors: Steven Furtick - "God may lead you to stay at home with your young children, forfeiting a second income. Ordinary. But along with diapers, dishes, and naps, you receive the gift of time— to model discipline, instill values, and speak life into your kids. They could grow up to be Joshuas" 

What we do at home is just as important as what we do in a corporate office. we are raising our children in the ways of the Lord. 

i think that if I dig really deep into my younger years, I would find in the depths of my heart that all i have ever wanted to do with my life is be a mom and be a wife... 

I've been struggling a lot lately with trying to figure out what my purpose in life is because again, i tend to fall into these ruts of "omg is this it?" and I've been learning that my number one purpose is to spread the love of Christ. Then to be a wife to my husband and be a mom to my three precious children... As for everything else in my heart that i would love to pursue, I have to just trust God that it will fall into place at the right time... 

But dear God, if I do nothing else with my life Lord, let me just be an extension of all You are to those around me! let me impact the world around me! if I do nothing else with my life Lord but be Your daughter, my husbands wife and a mom to the children you have trusted me with! may I do it in excellence and may my life be a sweet aroma to You Lord and may all I do, even when it's the dirty dishes and housework while raising up three children, may I do it all to honor You Lord!